Y’all better lissen up ‘cause I gotta few werds to say on the subject of mountain livin’. Yep, there are a few things you gotta know if you want to live here in Frawgtown, Virginya. First awf, the people round here are real friendly. They ain’t like them city folk, all talkin’ to themselves and drinkin’ Starbucks. Starbucks. That ain’t even real cawffee. Real cawffee’s blacker’n coal’n picks up your day.
Anyway,
like I was sayin’, round here people treat ya like a best friend, even if they
ain’t never seen you before in their lives. If you go on an’ drive down the
road, people in the cars you meet’ll wave at ya, nice as can be. Now, there’s
three diff’rent kinds of waves, ya lissenin’? First, them there’s the index
finger. Jest lift up one index finger awf the wheel, and give a little nod.
Next one’s the four-finger wave. This one here’s the most popular. All you do
is left up four fingers of one hand awf the wheel, keepin’ your thumb hitched
on there. Last one’s the full hand wave, which is stupid-lookin’ and dangerous
on these here curvy mountain roads. There’s deer everywhere here, and if you
hit the varmints they hurt your vehicle more than you hurt them more often than
not.
Speakin’ of vee-hicles, everyone round these parts drives a pick-up truck. Man, woman, kid, don’t make no difference. Trucks are necessary for haulin’ wood and deer carcasses and such like. And if ever’n there’s a snow, a four wheel drive truck’s about the only thing as can git you off this mountain. Speakin’ of snow, I’m tellin’ ya right now to get a generator. Tree branches fall whenever the wind starts a-blowin’. Don’t get a generator, and y’all’ll end up around the fireplace for three days in fifteen degree weather.
Now, y’all
are outsiders, so I’m gonna hep you out a bit. Bout two or three days after’n
you move in, there’s gonna be people from all out through here askin’ to hunt
on your property. It’s your choice to let ‘em or not, but huntin’s a big part
of mountain life round here, and the deer are gonna get everywhere anway. If
ever’n you want to grow a garden round here, you gotta get a tall fence to keep
the critters out. A really tall fence. No, even taller’n what you’re thinkin’.
I can tell
you’re from out yonder in the city, cause you ain’t got the mountain tawlk that
we all got round here. That’s okay, though, that you’re city folk. Every few
years or so we get a few city folk comin’ out through here tryin’ ta “get back
to nature” or whatever’n it is they want. They usually leave after a few years
though, less’n they really like deer jerky or summat. Few years ago, some of
‘em even tried to start a Homeowner’s Association round these parts. Well,
Betty Piston got all fired up and went harin’ after ‘em, and chased ‘em right
out of town.
Shew, can
you even imagine? Everybody round here has done got somethin’ in their yard.
Well, I got my two dead trucks in the front on cinder blocks, that’s the ’84
Chevy and the ’97 Ford, and a stripped deer carcass in the back yard. My dog’s
done run off with the skin, and I don’t even know where that’s gone. Hopefully
over ta Doris Piston’s yard, the old biddy. It’ll get her back fer that
property dispute ten years ago.
Speakin’ of
animals, let’s talk about the kinda pets people round here have. Now, I heard
y’all say somethin’ about people havin’ horses round these parts and I can tell
you for certain that that’s not true. Sure, some of the rich folk up the
mountain further have horses, but round here they’re not a common sight. Nope,
round here the most common farm animals are goats an’ chickens. Almost
everyone’s got a dog, of course, an’ they are usually outside dogs. I myself
got a dog that’s half pit bull, half coon hound, and he’s just about the derned
cuddliest dog I ever seen in my life. That’s exceptin’, of course, when he’s on
the hunt he turns vicious. Why, I once seen him go after a possum an’ break its
neck in one bite, just like that.
Now look at
me, I been talkin’ fer ever an’ not lettin’ you good folks git a word in
edgewise. My mama woulda smacked my butt with a cane if she weren’t restin’
with the good Lord. Now, were you folks lookin’ to buy this house? Hm? Hey,
where ya goin’?
Note: Most of this is based on the dialect of my hometown,
and my experiences living there. Appalachian English isn’t just applied to
Frogtown, though, and so I did some additional dialect research with this
video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03iwAY4KlIU
Author Note: Another work of fiction, though with less of a story. You know how Mark Twain wrote most of Huckleberry Finn in dialect and everyone made a big deal about it? Well, we read Huckleberry Finn in one of my literature classes and we had the option to write in dialect. I chose the dialect of the region I've lived most of my life in, rural Appalachia in Virginia. A lot of the things the speaker in the work talks about are taken from my life and experiences growing up.
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